GRATITUDE

Two months ago, just a couple of weeks before I was supposed to embark on a 3-months trip through Europe and Asia, I ended up on the streets of Portland amidst a snow storm. No money, no home, no family. There is so much that I could say, but pity parties are not really my cup of tea. Instead, I want to share with you the secret that took me out of the streets, brought me to New Orleans and put me into this new adventure called The Allma Project: GRATITUDE.

My anxiety levels were through the roof. And I mean intense-muscle-pain-and-trembling kind of anxiety. I'd been off Zoloft for a couple of months and I didn't have money for food, let alone medication. I relied on breathing exercises and meditation because I needed to, but also because it was my only option at the time. It took losing everything I thought I had to realize how blessed I was and will always be regardless of the circumstances around me. Even when I was on the streets, I felt immensely grateful to God for the fact that I was still breathing, that I was still healthy, that I had somehow managed to keep my sanity, but above it all: that my faith was stronger than ever. Because it's my faith that saved me.

BIRDS OF PREY

For reasons I didn't understand at the time, most of the "friends" I thought I had decided to turn a back on me. And I don't mean just people saying no. Like I can't be mad at someone for ghosting me or not giving me a hand. What I couldn't understand was the amount of people I realized somehow found joy or gratification on the fact that I was in need. It was the cruelty that took a toll on me. People who owed me thousands of dollars, people I'd helped numerous times, people promising they'd send me 10 or 20 bucks (real-talk) within the next 5 minutes so I'd walk 20 mins during a rainstorm to an ATM with the excitement of thinking I'd be able to eat a meal for the first time in days, only to find out it was a "joke". People begging for my attention and offering their help just to give me a weird-ass excuse minutes later. The frustration, confusion and sadness I experienced during those times made me so much stronger, wiser, cautious and reliant on my intuition. And for that, I am also grateful. The way I look at it: I'm glad those bitches showed their true colors, cause I won't have to worry about them in the future. It's great to have a clean house, baby.

On a very important side note: the friendships I thought I had were only the result and reflection of my own actions. "The seeds of yesterday", as they say. I am by no means a victim of anyone. Not even the "friend" who stole from me over 3,000 USD worth all the stuff I'd sold online when I was in need. I had allowed (or invited) these people into my life, period. So it's only fair that I showed them the way out. Which I did. It's funny cause I am now receiving all sort of apologies or explanations. Some even demanding an answer. The nerve. God bless them. I imagine they need it.

BLOCKAGES

Being betrayed, having no money, being sick, feeling abandoned and yaddah yaddah can turn you into a piece of shit person. Sure. Like you have all the excuses and reasons in the world to give up, right? Nope. You don't! And you don't want to. Trust me. You don't want to become cynical, you don't want to let your hope in people die. You don't want to become cold, angry. You don't want to kill your laughter, your sparkle, your dreams and all the gifts you were born with.

One of the first blessings I manifested was a sudden collaboration with fellow-fairy-Gala Darling: she's a best-selling author who overcame a bunch of hardcore shit earlier in her life and made an amazing and inspiring career out of it. Suddenly, here I was reading the tarot cards via Skype for her and she then gave me a hand by promoting me. Thanks to the money I made from this, I was able to eat, I was able to afford a place to sleep in for a few extra days. But then... I fucked up. See: I was in such a state of shock and disbelief when the Tarot & Tea bookings began popping up on my phone screen that my first reaction was fear: fear of losing it, fear of something not working out. And this fear blocked a lot of things for me. The night she posted me on her social media, I made 300 dollars in just a couple of hours. It was like 11 PM or something in Portland and all I could tell myself was "Dang! If I made this much money during the first two hours and this late, I'll be rich when all her fans see the ad in the morning!" but something inside of me was hesitant to believe, to trust, to enjoy the present moment and that, I am convinced, was my big mistake. The morning after, when I was expecting to have at least other 300 bucks on my PayPal account, Instagram went down for the entire day. You can imagine the anger and frustration and just bunch of shit I felt. I was desperate for money after a while living with less than 100 dollars a week and every "trick" or "law of attraction" method I thought I knew was just not working. Not anymore, at least. It took me a few days to realize Instagram went down for everyone, not only me.... but at the time, victimhood got the best out of me. You don't want this! You never want to be an angry Nancy. With the "why can't things be easy for once" "why does this happen to me" mentality, you are only digging a deeper hole for yourself. My biggest lesson: you cannot feel poor and attract abundance into your life.

THE SECRET

I believe if you keep your faith, you keep your trust, you keep the right attitude, if you're grateful, you'll see God open up new doors. - Joel Osteen

Now, onto the good stuff. Gratitude Meditation isn't really a new concept, but until this year I had not heard of the idea of feeling grateful for the future: for the abundance, the success, the love, the peace, the healing, the laughter, the friends, the synchronicities, and the infinite blessings the universe has in store for me (and for you!). The moment I realized how blessed I was, regardless of my physical circumstances, things on the outside began to change. Imagine applying that technique to the future! I don't want to spam you with technical details since I am not a meditation or yoga coach. Instead, I share with you one of my favorite Gratitude Meditation videos. There's plenty of good material out there: just do a little research and share this powerful tool with everyone. There is enough abundance and blessings in the universe for all: for me, for you, for your friends and even your haters. Understand that resentment blocks you big time. If someone does you wrong, you want to take some time to process it, but you also want to forgive them asap. Like genuinely forgive. You don't even need to say a thing to them, just make sure there's no anger left inside of you. There is a lesson in all. See the big picture. You know the drill.

ANGELS

It's not all bad. It never is. Gala was one of the first of many real-life angels who gave me a hand. It's funny cause she isn't my friend. We've never met in person, but she believed in me and put me out there. The moment I stopped complaining, I tried asking for help one more time. And boom, baby. A bunch of acquaintances I'd never been really close to, began giving me a hand. A few good friends who weren't aware of my situation (thank you Pamela, Antonella and Lisa, my forever loves) made sure me and my cat were safe and on a plane on our way to safety. Before I go to bed, I thank the Universe for all the blessings in my life. Just before I close my eyes, I picture myself giving a big hug to all those bad bitches who made sure this bad bitch got back on track. Rhonda, Paul, Drakken, Lisa, Pamela, Ximena, Maria Luisa, Daniel, Eduardo, Angela, Jordana, Sheridan, Claudia, Caelan, Jordon, Carmen, thank you for believing in me, thank you for not asking too many questions, thanking you for loving me, for healing me, for helping me, for believing in me. These tears falling down as I write these words down are of joy, happiness and hope. Hope that soon enough I'll be able to see each and every one of you in person and give you a big massive hug, followed obviously by a well-deserved champagne session.

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

You can be grateful for your past, for your present and for your future. My story, as harsh as it might seem to some, is a story of victory, of strength, of love, of laughter, of hope. In my workshops I speak openly about escaping from my family and the abuses I grew up with. I speak about my childhood being filled with pain, fear, sexual abuse, physical violence and tragedy. But I don't do it from a place of pain, weakness or victimhood, I do it from a place of empowerment, of gratitude. Cause whatever the fuck I survived as a child and as a teenager taught me everything I know and brought me to this place, to this moment and to you. And for that, I am also grateful.

How about you? What are you grateful for?